Funny Stuff

The funniest thing I've seen in a long while is the Framley Examiner which claims to be the on-line edition of a local newspaper by the same name. It looks suspiciously like the Essex Chronicle which is published weekly here in the county of Essex, U.K. Features have included a property page with details of a house on sale for only ten thousand pounds, quick sale required, currently on fire, or maybe the story about the mayor's proposal for a new underground railway running from his house to the golf course....

Other Amusements

dilbert zone The Dilbert Zone, home of Dilbert, Dogbert and the rest of the gang, complete with huge libraries of comic strips, information on Dilbert's creator and other associated stuff.
circus The Thrill Of The Big Top can be yours with this very short video clip (370k, microsoft .avi file). As you can tell from the picture, the fellow in green could well be heading somewhere he'd rather not go... Please be warned that it might cause offence to some people, although it's nothing that could not be broadcast on British national television. If you are likely to be offended, please do not watch it, otherwise enjoy... You may need to click on the loaded video to start it - it all depends on how you have configured your browser. Still very popular after several years on the site!

or...

RealVideo®

Take a look at this two minute video (RealVideo format) filmed outside the Sheraton Hotel, Luxor in February 1998. Things start to get interesting around one minute into the video... Click on the low, medium or high speed link depending on your connection to the internet. Please advise if you cannot watch the video, contact details at the end of the page.

Here Are The Jokes Folks! - User Discretion Advised

Here are some items that have thudded into my electronic in-tray over the past few months. Unfortunately, I don't know who wrote these little rib-ticklers. If you know the original source, please let me know so that the appropriate credits can be added.

Three Ducks...

Three ducks walk into a bar. The barman says to the first duck, "Hello, what's your name?" The duck replies, "My name's Huey." "And what sort of day have you had Huey?" the barman asked. "Oh, in and out of puddles and general duck stuff," Huey replied. So the barman says to the second duck, "Hello, whats your name?" The duck replies, "My name's Dewey." "And what sort of day have you had Dewey?" the barman asked. "Oh, in and out of puddles and general duck stuff," replied Dewey. "And I suppose your name's Louie," the barman said to the last duck. The duck replied "No, my name's Puddles and I've had a very bad day...." - <source unknown>

One For The Computer Buffs...

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. - <source unknown>

A Spot Of Microsoft-Bashing Perhaps...

Now that Bill Gates has moved into his brand spanking new house in the Seattle suburbs, the following is a conversation overheard last week:

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: "Well, I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture fails to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you'll be back on track."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, remember, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of 1998. Actually it was due out earlier this year, but we've had some delays..." - <source unknown>


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