Here Are The Jokes Folks! - User Discretion Advised
Here are some items that have thudded into my electronic in-tray over the past few months. Unfortunately, I don't know who wrote these little rib-ticklers. If you know the original source, please let me know so that the appropriate credits can be added.
Three ducks walk into a bar. The barman says to the first duck, "Hello, what's your name?" The duck replies, "My name's Huey." "And what sort of day have you had Huey?" the barman asked. "Oh, in and out of puddles and general duck stuff," Huey replied. So the barman says to the second duck, "Hello, whats your name?" The duck replies, "My name's Dewey." "And what sort of day have you had Dewey?" the barman asked. "Oh, in and out of puddles and general duck stuff," replied Dewey. "And I suppose your name's Louie," the barman said to the last duck. The duck replied "No, my name's Puddles and I've had a very bad day...." - <source unknown>
One For The Computer Buffs...
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.
Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.
One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. - <source unknown>
A Spot Of Microsoft-Bashing Perhaps...
Now that Bill Gates has moved into his brand spanking new house in
the Seattle suburbs, the following is a conversation overheard last week:
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the
light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The
threads run the wrong way."
Bill: "Well, I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I
have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water
pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
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